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Fear and Trembling

by Samuel Joseph Kim

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1.
Above Below 03:50
2.
Lose Me 03:26
In the night was the fire Burning up the plans I wrote In the day was the cloud Covering every word I know (That’s the point that you lose me) If it's me you're wanting I'm ready to let you down If it's you that is calling You'll have to look elsewhere now (That’s the point that you lose me) When there’s fire shut in your bones How do you make it grow?
3.
I went to the valley Where the dry bones collect Four winds Four walls Pray for the bones I prayed for the bones I spoke to the bones And I will wait in this place Where the wind rises Rise up, rise up Rise up, rise up Where the wind rises Where the wind rises
4.
Winter Again 03:26
It's the beat of a drum It's the death of a sun It's the reason of love Your drama is done It feels like winter Winter again It's the tick of the bomb It's the death of the song It's the anthem done wrong This torture is long I want to know when we change I want to know when we change I want to know when we change I want to know when we change It's the beat of a drum It's the death of a sun It feels like winter Winter again I want to know when we change I want to know when we change I want to know when we change I want to know when we change
5.
Receding 04:13
I see what i love A receding shore Farther and farther I want it so safe So unchanged so unmoved Farther and farther Help me Hold you I see what I know A dimly lit sign Flicker and flicker My poisonous veins Keep right at their work As I get sicker and sicker Help me Hold you What must i do To be saved I see what I know A dimly lit sign Flicker and flicker
6.
The last time we talked The last time I sighed The last time I breathed The last time I lied It's time now It's time now It's time now It's time to The last time we saw The last time we laughed The last vows we gave The last thing we passed It's time now It's time now It's time now It's time to
7.
This is the message That’s calling for you You didn't hear it before You didn't think it was true This is the moment Where you're dragged into the light Where you stop saying sorry Where you let yourself die This is the mission That wants to save your soul The holy soapbox stained By the drip of a bleeding scroll This is the time That's calling for you Weeping never saved us I never knew the truth This calls for you This calls for you This calls for you This is the message That’s calling for you You didn't hear it before You didn't think it was true This is the moment Where you're dragged into the light Where you stop saying sorry Where you let yourself die This is the mission That wants to save your soul The holy soapbox stained By the drip of a bleeding scroll This is the time That's calling for you Weeping never saved us I never did it for you This calls for you This calls for you This calls for you
8.
Survive 04:18
After the rain After the fire
9.
“Every light is bright Every wrong made right; You’ll just have to trust me And the greatness of mercy.” All that burns away All I could not say It doesn’t matter now In the greatness of mercy Here comes my love Saying things I did not know Here comes my love Challenging my faults and facts Challenging my faults and facts In this moment, I can hear you. In this moment I am free. In the presence of your face before me. In this moment I am free. I am reborn, I am reborn, I am reborn, Anew It’s all around you It’s all around you Every light is bright Every wrong made right I’m learning to trust you And the greatness of mercy
10.
It’s all around you You just can’t believe it You ought to take more time; If you could receive it It’s all around you You should see it’s not your fault; It’s easier to wait for breakdowns, But lift your head now Because it’s all around you It’s all around you Yes, it’s all around you From before time began And after we’re gone It’s all around you And it’s all around you And it’s all around you It’s all around you...
11.
All the house was burning Went into the flame The only thing I saved Was my picture in the frame Lived at home alone No one there to save Except some wrinkled letters And my picture in the frame Except some wrinkled letters And my picture in the frame Sat there on the lawn Watching the fire fall Photo in my hand Walked out the door aflame Back over my shoulder Was a fireworks display Back over my shoulder Was a fireworks display Falling around my head Raining down to my feet Falling around my head Raining down to my feet All the letters and the TV Phone and all the CD's All the cups of coffee Burning, boiling, empty Burning, empty All these books Filled with memories The few among the many Losing everything And I'm finally feeling happy... Raining down on me Falling down to my feet Raining down on me Falling to my feet All the house was burning Walked out the door aflame The only thing I saved Was my picture in the frame

about

Twenty years ago in November, I released my first album recorded at the Paradox Theater in Seattle. It was a very modest and well meaning record and in fact, a simple one-take recording of one of its songs, “Picture in the Frame” ends this album just like it did for that album all those years ago. It was exciting for me to record in Seattle at the time because I saw it at this dream city of creative musicians at the time: I had actually thought I was going to soon move there after my stint in England in order to begin career as a full-time musician. I didn’t end up living there until almost twenty years after traveling in many places (Liverpool, Kyoto, DC, Pomona, and SF) and I still haven’t returned to Canada where I’m originally from.

This album, “Fear and Trembling” recorded all those years ago was independently recorded, produced and distributed. Back in those days, it would be more normal for someone to print CDs and hope that somehow you could get noticed by someone significant in the music industry. Remember that? How novel. This album (which feels embarrassing to listen to at times) was part of my graduate thesis where I wrote eight songs and wrote eight short stories to go along with it. They all explored the subject of faith, belief and doing the seemingly impossible. The phrase “fear and trembling” seemed to resonate with me since this very real financial investment was a risk I had never undertaken before. To create all these copies of CDs and believe that someone wanted to buy them; to write songs and believe that someone wanted to listen to them; and to be a musician believing that you had something worth singing: it felt like an insane leap of faith. To my surprise, there was also a book by Soren Kierkegaard that in fact explored the radical nature of faith in a book named “Fear and Trembling.” It all felt perfect.

All these years later, I am still walking day by day with this ridiculous faith that believes that I need to be doing this. I never did become as successful as I had hoped with music. I had some interesting experiences along the way but nothing truly added up to anything significant. The landscape of music has changed and the pursuit of labels, the monetization of music, and the consumption of art has all completely changed. I was right there when digital audio was really beginning to change the recording industry and it felt like I was there at the forefront, and now I feel like I’m stuck in the back along with every other unknown hack in their bedroom making noise. The one thing that I appreciated is that at an early stage, I acquired the skills to create and engineer music on my own. I knew that whatever happened in my life, it was important for me to make music because it is a deep part of who I am.

I started making music under the name “Samuel Kim” but remember very distinctly when a stranger had told me that my name wasn’t very interesting. Ha. In 2007, four albums later, I created the album “Division” and it felt like I had found a new maturity and a voice for my music. It was from that point on I decided to record under my full name, “Samuel Joseph Kim.” It felt like the music up to that point was just a precursor.
And here we are today: in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic and I’m still in my bedroom making noise and in some ways, my family and friends are listening to me even less. However, others who I don’t know at all are listening to me in ways I never imagined. It is a strange time indeed. I knew even last year that I wanted to make some kind of “memory marker” of an album in 2020. I had no idea though that this year would be so tumultuous. It has been a truly difficult year to get through, but the creation of this album truly helped me focus to get through it.

I created the “Kindness” EP earlier in the year as a companion of sorts to the album “Fear and Trembling”. Those three sweet and bright songs in the EP felt like they helped to offset all of the heaviness that weighed on me in this year. They felt like they needed to belong in 2020 but the songs in the EP didn’t feel like a part of this 2020 album I wanted to create. I wanted this album to feel like a closing of a full circle of the twenty years that went before. It felt right for me to call this album “Fear and Trembling” to mirror that which I recorded in 2000. It was an ambitious goal and surely setting myself up for disappointment, but I knew I needed to do it regardless. It felt like I was taking a leap of faith again.

I can’t imagine that I will stop making music but I do feel like something in me is ending with the release of this album. I can’t fully explain this and I may never be able to, but I think this album marks the end of something. However, I do believe that whenever something ends, something is given the release to begin. I’m aware that many people will not even read this whole reflection and they may skip over many of these tracks I poured a year into, but at the same time, some will listen and be moved somehow. I am already thinking of working on other musical projects, but I am not fully certain of what will begin. I’ll let you know when I find out.

I remember resolving at the beginning of my musical journey, I would make every album to the best of my ability: I understood that in time each album would be frustrating to listen to in retrospect but I would find comfort in knowing it was the best I could do at that time. This album is still fulfilling that resolve: this is the best I could do at this time. In a pandemic, in the midst of a lot of confusion, in the middle of social and civil unrest, in a state of being desperate to survive: I am still here working things out with fear and trembling. For those who knew me way back then, I want you to know I never gave up and I never will. And wouldn’t you know, this album – after 20 years – is once again recorded in Seattle.
Perfect.

Samuel Joseph Kim
November 2020

credits

released November 3, 2020

All songs written, recorded, engineered and produced by Samuel Joseph Kim
(c)2020 strangers and angels music
ASCAP soundtracks for strangers and angels

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Samuel Joseph Kim Seattle, Washington

Samuel Kim is a multi-instrumentalist, songwriter and producer currently based in Seattle, WA

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